”WHY DOES MY HEART FEEL SO BAD?”

A great song which describes my feelings quite well in this life situation. This certainly hits many at the moment.

Corona life just goes on and on…although yesterday came the exchange of good news in this regard. The incidence of the virus decreased by 17% worldwide which is quite much! Another good news is that the Pfizer vaccine has also been found to be effective against viral variants. In this regard, however, the bad news is that I will certainly not receive that vaccine myself. In Finland, Astra zeneca will probably be used as a folk vaccine and its efficiency is not as good. Pfizer vaccine would certainly be the best possible (the vaccine which my mother got at nursing home). We should get more of that!

Another corona day is beginning…again…I’m happy I don’t have to go anywhere today…even in a way it’s nice to start the day by going out and get fresh air…specially when there’s peacefull and not many people like yesterday. I was quite confident when I went to the grocery store in the morning. I don’t know why and I hadn’t even slept all night (I just couldn’t sleep -probably due to the hormonal cycle-). Somehow I still felt quite safe, as soon as I left, even though I didn’t know even then that the morning was very calm. There were not many people on the move…maybe my confidence came from above…

Spring was already clearly in the air. Even the birds were already singing. It was nice to walk in the fresh, quiet frosty morning. There were not even any recipients on the outing. Instead when I left the grocery store back, just as i came out of the store, I almost came across a woman who was walking against me in a transverse direction. I did leave as slippery as a frightened cat. You probably know how a cat jumps when scared. I almost jumped too…I don’t understand how i didn’t notice her. I probably wasn’t as attentive as usual because I hadn’t slept at night…Well luckily I had a mask…and luckily I didn’t come across a woman…

Fear

”FALSE NEWS”

I can’t help but wonder at what threshold the news sometimes makes headlines here in Finland. Like the news about half a year ago of a woman who wondered where she had gotten a corona infection. She had not visited anywhere else except in the grocery store once a week with her husband and even then they always had masks on. At this point I was getting quite nervous while reading this. I was thinking like: ”What in the world!” How miraculously easily the virus properly infects. To my recollection, the woman said they had been careful. Though I did not know in detail how they really acted when making their shoppings (whether they touched their masks (maybe accidentially or unawares), or were in the vicinity of people for too long or something like that…things I never would do myself. I avoid people like the plague and I do not ever touch the mask after I placed it, as many do. (If it ever needs to be repaired from the facial area, at least hand disinfection must be used before and after repair). Anyway, I started to worry, how easily the virus actually could stick…until I read on…to the point where it was said: ”husband had contracted the coronavirus through the work community”. That’s it! What is unclear here?! I mean really, come on! Are you serious, woman?! Your husband have gotten infection from work and you wonder where did you got it…Well, let me tell you, you got it from your husband. Surprise, really! Case closed!

Fear

THE PHONE REMINDS YOU OF YOUR MEMORIES

One thing is for sure. Phones are really smart phones these days…My phone did resemble me today about something that happened four years ago. It showed me photos taken on this exact day in 2017. Those who followed me even then may remember that the day was the funeral day of this woman I had been taking care (/and or assisted years) as a job. When I saw those photos, those emotions immediately surfaced. It felt like yesterday. I couldn’t believe it has been four years already! I was only 36 so young and so full of life and future plans…However the future was quite different than planned…

I also saw a dream about A (that woman I took care) a couple of nights ago. I’ll tell you more about that in next section: ”Dreams”.

https://tanssitytto.wordpress.com/2017/02/14/the-funeral/

DREAMS

I have had interesting dreams lately. Let’s start the one I mentioned above related to my previous workplace as an care taker/personal assistant. So ”A” (=paralyzed woman I was taking care/assisting 2007-2017) was alive again and I was back to help her. I didn’t even wonder about the situation although it’s been so long since I last worked for her. Even in a dream I knew I had been away from her for a long time. She was about the same as younger, in a better condition. The beginning was a little sticky. I had to think for a moment about what was to be done and how but the work gradually progressed. A Therapist also came to ”A”, although there had to be something else in the program first (I don’t remember what). ”A” began to feel depressed, and started talking to the therapist. I thought therapy might do good and I was gonna go to grocery store while her therapy session but the dream ended there. In real life ”A” was a psychologist herself. The therapist never visited her…

Corona time often comes to my sleep as well these days and no wonder why. Usually at the beginning everything is normal until at some point I realize that now is the time of the Corona. Then I get scared cause I usually don’t have a mask, no hand disinfection, nothing.. and I am usually surrounded by people like the dream a couple of nights ago where I was on some kind of camp…I think it was a flow gymnastics camp where I was with my previous team. Again I suddenly realized I don’t have mask on even though I should and the accommodations corridors (where I was walking) was full of crowds. I started to panic and tried to hold my breath when passed by people. At the end I didn’t find my way back to my room and started to cry hysterically…

One night I saw a dream, I got the corona vaccine…you never guess from who…from my brother. When I told this to him, he said he saw a dream one night where he had been instructed to vaccinate workers at his workplace. This was really interesting coincidence. Pretty similar dreams we had.

Ok, next time the subject changes cause we will meet on valentine’s day…something happier for a change!!

Stay safe and positive!

Yksi ajatus artikkelista “”WHY DOES MY HEART FEEL SO BAD?”

  1. Paluuviite: NEVER ENDING STORY – Tanssitytön blogi

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