I have tried to move my life forward, even if it is not easy. There is so much of everything involved in my brother’s death. Severe causes of death and sad thoughts about my brother being alone in the last moments, at least not make me feel better.  If only he had talked to me more about everything …

In addition, there is a great deal of practical work to be done. Fortunately, the tax office just granted extra time to make the charter.

I currently manage the economies of the three economies. In addition to my own finances, I take care of my mother’s and now, of course, my brother’s finances (etc.). For I am the only sister.

There is a little too much work for one person. The issue is that there is enough work in our own finances as well. At times, I feel like I’m exhausting myself… Maybe some time I will open all this a little more, but now to another topic of concern …

I heard the news about our friend’s family some time ago. All of them except the father of the family had been infected with corona virus. Despite both vaccines, the wife has had high fever. The two children in the family have also become ill with fever.

One of them has one vaccine, the other none (because they are pretty small children). Hearing this did scare me. If, despite the vaccines, you can get so sick (and even children can get sick properly), at least I haven’t been really careful in vain. I wonder what would happen without vaccines… Many seem to trust the effectiveness of vaccines. I haven’t had very much credit for it in a long time, now even less. Even if you don’t end up in the hospital, (or go there if you feel really weak and somehow survive at home) it is not nice to get sick. Besides, this disease can last for a very long time and there are not even guarantees of proper immunity. So it is still important to be careful even if that too is already starting to strain so much so that I really no longer know how to cope in the midst of all this. Just like there wasn’t enough in my life already…

The situation does not seem to be any relief, but on the contrary, it is getting worse here again although vaccinations are well advanced. That too, makes this scary. Although on the other hand, the progress of vaccinations has slowed down a bit here, as now surely the majority of those willing have taken it. Unfortunately, the number of those who oppose vaccination seems to be so large that the pace of vaccinations is declining. Besides, shouldn’t this virus already getting weaker? Thus, it was long ago promised that the virus would weaken and the pandemic would subside. Still, the virus has only worsened over time, and shows no signs of fading. Well, what can be done here? Nothing.

There are so many things in life that you just can’t be affected… It just has to be accepted. People imagine they can choose the direction of their lives, but in the end, they can’t have much influence on where life takes them… I, too, will now see what happens next. If good things could happen for a change. Let’s hope so.


We held my brother’s funeral in a small circle on Saturday, September 11th.

The funeral began with a beautiful and touching song that has become a Finnish classic: ”The Wanderer and the Swan.” The same song was played two years ago at my father’s funeral as well. This was a song from the men in our family. When the organ starts playing I felt a wave of grief strike me.


After that song I dropped the flowers and said my last goodbye with the beautiful text I picked from the Finnish tango.

Priest’s speech was just what I wanted. His speech reminded me of those best memories of my brother, certainly in the minds of all of us.


This beautiful song we sung together in  the funeral.


The touching final play: ”So beautiful is the land.” This was also heard at my father’s funeral.


Even though the day was a day of mourning, I was glad to see our old family friend for a long time at the funeral; Monika, who’s doughter of my godparents -which also helped us with the catering-.

After a brief blessing (and finishing of the serving table) we sat together at the memorial service (which was held on the premises of the church) to chat and remember my brother. We also looked at the photos she brought. I was  in a few photos too as a little girl, wearing ballet slippers from Monika. She once gave me these slippers. In one picture I sit on Monika’s lap, in others I dance ballet. I think I’m about 11 years old in the pictures so the images are exactly 30 years old. My brother was 17-18 at that time. Unbelievable how fast time has passed.


Yesterday I was dropping my brother’s urn to the rest of grave with one family member (from my spouce’s side). I bought two white roses from a florist next to the cemetery and picked up an urn from a small room in the chapel with beautiful flowers and a candle on the table. After a moment of silence, I lifted my brother into my arms. I carried my brother along the cemetery path and thought about our life together. I also wondered how last year my brother and I went to lay down my father’s urn grave. I could not have imagined that he himself would go after our father so soon.

We layed down the urn and flowers and spent a moment at the grave before leaving.

I didn’t take my mother with me because her Alzheimer’s has progressed and she clearly doesn’t understand what happened. She always understands this just the moment I mention it, and immediately forgets. The last time we talked, she clearly supposedly saw my brother somewhere near. It was hard to even talk about my brother’s death when it’s something I wouldn’t want to remind her of…

I have one of my main pillars gone. The one I grew up with and who taught me things. The one who was good for solving problems and always knew how to act. The one who served as an example and a guide for me. Feels pretty empty.

These were my sixth funeral in four and a half years so I hope there are no new funerals coming up in the near future. Recent years have brought far too much grief…I look forward to more light days to come.

I wish you the most beautiful and peaceful journey, dear big brother!