We left our last goodbye to our dad with my brother on 9.7. and landed him to his grave. Now hi’s sleeping his everlasting dream beside my grandmother and grandfather.

When we came to the grave, it was like we have been gone for eternaty. The grave looked so old. It had became mossy and Worn out. Sure it’s been a while when we were there but not decades however as it felt. Anyhow there will be new engravings soon.

It´s always so peacefull at the cemetery and the weather was great. So warm and beautifull. Somehow I felt some kind of peace of mind watching those big old trees and listening birds singing.  Maybe that was a sign that my father´s soul is in the better place where hi´s feeling fine. Speaking of those trees, they have seen a lot. They have seen many funerals and many many sad people. I don´t know how old these biggest trees are but those must be atleast 100 years old or something like that.

After the short ”ceremony”, we were walking and checking the new graves. Also part of the graves were removed. Behind our family grave we found one grave either of us didn’t remember exists even it’s been there since 60’s. We noticed it was a child in this grave. A child who died in the year of 8. We wondered what did happened…

There were also one special moment. The moment you only can experience at once. This moment was when I kept my dad in my cord for a while. That was (naturally) never possible when he was alive. This tall man were shrinked terribly. It was a weard feeling, keeping my own dad in my cord. It have always been the other way around. He kept me in his cord when I was a child. Well that’s life. Everything is changing always…



I saw a dream of my father one night. I was in front of my childhood home and my father was at the door. He was looking for the keys and didn’t find those.

He was angry because he didn’t find his keys (like he surely would have been in real life also in this kind of situation.) I was scared of meeting my father there cause I new my father is dead. I had my friend with me near of our house and so I called her to come closer. She came and I showed my father to her. I tried to say something but I couldn’t speak. I remember I tried to call my father but it was only a silent whispering what came out of my mouth. I was very anxious and my breathing got really heavy. I could strongly hear the sound of my breath. My father stopped what he was doing (finding the keys). He just stood still and I got the feeling he was surprised of my reaction. Like he would be thinking why am I acting this way. Then I woke up.


What a weard dream this was…but I think I got the message. My father didn’t find the keys obviously cause he doesn’t live there anymore. He’s place isn’t there anymore…Still, it’s natural for me to see him staying there, cause he have been there most of my life. Father is still living in my subconscious!

There is still one thing I don’t understand. Why it’s sometimes happy meeting when you see deceased people in your dream and sometimes scary?


My dad.

Now as it’s fathers day, the first one without him (for me), I wanted to memorize my father. So there’s photos of my father and also some thoughts and dreams concerning my father’s passing away.

I have now two timelines. The first is the time when my father was still a live. The second is the time when my father was gone. Those two I automatically recognised when my father passed away. I’m using those timelines when I’m memorizing something in the past. (Was my father alive or not.) It’s like demarcation in my life, the demarcation which I didn’t know before.

Kuvaesitys vaatii JavaScriptin.

My dad in the army at 1960’s.

My dad got some medal at job (at 70’s or 80’s).


I got an add to my phone one day. The add was from Elisa operator. It said: ”Have you bought a present to your father already?” I was just thinking that: it’s impossible to me like it’s impossible to all who doesn’t have father anymore (and there are quite many of us I assume). So the question is: why do they do this? Send randomly messages like this without knowing what’s the situation. Do she or he even have father anymore. This is not right way to marketing. This kind of marketing should be done in television only. Not this way. I never liked that kind of marketing, but I think this was the rock bottom. Shame on you, Elisa!

The boat trip to Stockholm in April 1994. We were celebrating of the 50th birthday of my mother. On the left in front of the photo is my dad and behind on the left is (my brothers ex girlfriend,) mother and I in the age of 13 (almost 14).


Before the funeral, my brother saw an interesting dream about my dad. In that dream we were all together at my parents house (my childhood home) with the whole family. My dad was laying in coffer. Suddenly he stood up and he said: ”Don’t you worry, everything is ok. I’m fine!”. Then he walked out of the door. I believe this was the sign. It was the sign what I’ve been waiting for. I’ve been hoping he’s at better place feeling fine and then this dream came to my brother. After that I have been more peaceful cause I know he’s at heaven. That’s what he wanted to come to tell us.

There are guides and one card from my fathers trip to Amsterdam at 1970’s. These I found at daddys cabinet when we were looking for important papers.


Also I have had dreams of my father. Like one day I saw the dream where we all were at my parents house together -again-. My father was sleeping on his bed while the rest of us where watching tv. Then he woke up and climbed on windowsill where were also a lighting candle. My father did burn his selves on that candle and started to shout. I went to get some water and threw it on my dad. That’s all I remember of that dream but it was really weird!

On the other dream I’ve seen my father we were in our summer cottage and I knew my father have passed away. Nevertheless I saw him on my dream and I was happy. It felt like one of those happy moments I have had in our summer cottage. I think I somehow knew that I was dreaming but it felt quite real.

Senior dance at high school 1999. After we performed old salong dances to our family members, we danced with them. Here is my final dances with my father.

My dad’s 60th birthdayparty (in 2006) at russian restaurant in Helsinki. (Doesn’t he looke still great on that age?!)

The old father’s day card which we gave to our dad years ago. This teddy is so cute!

Fare well my dad and I hope every one have had a happy fathers day. Those of you, who still have a father to celebrate. Remember these moments, cause those won’t last forever. One day those happy moments are gone…