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A few days ago when I came out of the shower and reminisced about once again times together with my family; those best times when we were all still together. I realized something. Just all those little things that seem insignificant (or maybe even annoying) at the moment are now -years later- those most important moments. Such as moments when we watched the formula or hill jump together (well mom was often busy in the kitchen but sometimes she was involved in watching or at least she was listening) or moments when we ate dinner with my family and mom pushed me to take more food to make sureI get enough of it…even if I had been going to cheerleader training (or to match to cheer). In those moments, dad was often angry to mom because he understood better that I couldn’t eat myself too full before training, but mothers are mothers, and do not always think so much with reason, but more with emotion.
Hill jumper Janne Ahonen was my idol when I was young.
Sports connect people!Sports memories are significant, especially whenFinland was successful… like when Mika Häkkinen won the F1 World Championship (1998)… _________________________________________________________________
There are many more memories of these little moments like the moments when we queued for access to the bathroom at the same time, or in the late 80s and in the early 90’s when I often played with Barbie-dolls in the bath (when we still had a bath). My teenage brother who had a lively social life, was angry when he couldn’t get to the toilet himself to clean up. I could play in the bath for very long periods of time, and I remember how my brother often yelled at me from behind the door and rushed me.
Then tehere’s this one memorable moment which feels like yesterday. We listened to Astor Piazzolla’s fine radio listening with his stunning tangos played in between. I vividly remember the look of my moved father. I saw how impressed he was with the program, even though he was not as great friend of the Argentine tango as I and my mother. These are the moments I want my father to remember. Sensitive and moved. That’s when I felt the best connection with him.
Then there are those moments when my mom and I watched movies at night while dad slept (often snoring loudly) and we run to make sandwiches together with my mom during the commercial break, and those moments we watched TV entertainment programs like very legendary ”Bumtsibum”together on Saturdays (whose presenter, by the way, then became a major television personality. (You can watch the first episode of the program below but unfortunately it doesn’t have English subtitles.))
I also remember the moments when we were at the cottage, and my father often as a morning person woke me and my mother up early, that he would have company, even though we had often stayed up until morning with mom. That’s when we were annoyed with my mother. We just wanted to sleep. Now I would do anything to get back to those moments.
The first Bumtsibum tv-show on 13 September 1997. There are two teams in the program, and they take turns trying to guess what song is being fetched for based on word and picture hints. The best thing about the program is that the viewer can participate in it by guessing the songs themselves so it’s a great family program. The program was off TV for a long time, but has come back, albeit with a different presenter, and different front characters.
Those little moments are now very valuable memories of my family. I will never get those moments back. I wish I had realized then how quickly everything disappears and appreciated those moments more but which of us could do so in time before all is already lost? Rarely does a person understand at that very moment the uniqueness of her/his life. It is difficult to detect when the pieces of life are really in place, because there are always flaws, and it is easier to pay attention to the missing pieces. In the end, though, every time in life is precious in its own way, and you will never get it back again. Every moment turns into history and evaporates like ashes into the wind before you know it.
Appreciate your life and especially the people in it!
You never know how long they will be in your life.
I have tried to move my life forward, even if it is not easy. There is so much of everything involved in my brother’s death. Severe causes of death and sad thoughts about my brother being alone in the last moments, at least not make me feel better. If only he had talked to me more about everything …
In addition, there is a great deal of practical work to be done. Fortunately, the tax office just granted extra time to make the charter.
I currently manage the economies of the three economies. In addition to my own finances, I take care of my mother’s and now, of course, my brother’s finances (etc.). For I am the only sister.
There is a little too much work for one person. The issue is that there is enough work in our own finances as well. At times, I feel like I’m exhausting myself… Maybe some time I will open all this a little more, but now to another topic of concern …
I heard the news about our friend’s family some time ago. All of them except the father of the family had been infected with corona virus.Despite both vaccines, the wife has had high fever. The two children in the family have also become ill with fever.
One of them has one vaccine, the other none (because they are pretty small children). Hearing this did scare me. If, despite the vaccines, you can get so sick (and even children can get sick properly), at least I haven’t been really careful in vain. I wonder what would happen without vaccines… Many seem to trust the effectiveness of vaccines. I haven’t had very much credit for it in a long time, now even less. Even if you don’t end up in the hospital, (or go there if you feel really weak and somehow survive at home) it is not nice to get sick. Besides, this disease can last for a very long time and there are not even guarantees of proper immunity. So it is still important to be careful even if that too is already starting to strain so much so that I really no longer know how to cope in the midst of all this. Just like there wasn’t enough in my life already…
The situation does not seem to be any relief, but on the contrary, it is getting worse here again although vaccinations are well advanced. That too, makes this scary. Although on the other hand, the progress of vaccinations has slowed down a bit here, as now surely the majority of those willing have taken it. Unfortunately, the number of those who oppose vaccination seems to be so large that the pace of vaccinations is declining.Besides, shouldn’t this virus already getting weaker? Thus, it was long ago promised that the virus would weaken and the pandemic would subside. Still, the virus has only worsened over time, and shows no signs of fading. Well, what can be done here? Nothing.
There are so many things in life that you just can’t be affected…It just has to be accepted. People imagine they can choose the direction of their lives, but in the end, they can’t have much influence on where life takes them… I, too, will now see what happens next. If good things could happen for a change. Let’s hope so.
We held my brother’s funeral in a small circle on Saturday, September 11th.
The funeral began with a beautiful and touching song that has become a Finnish classic: ”The Wanderer and the Swan.” The same song was played two years ago at my father’s funeral as well. This was a song from the men in our family. When the organ starts playing I felt a wave of grief strike me.
The touching final play: ”So beautiful is the land.” This was also heard at my father’s funeral.
Even though the day was a day of mourning, I was glad to see our old family friend for a long time at the funeral; Monika, who’s doughter of my godparents -which also helped us with the catering-.
After a brief blessing (and finishing of the serving table) we sat together at the memorial service (which was held on the premises of the church) to chat and remember my brother. We also looked at the photos she brought. I was in a few photos too as a little girl, wearing ballet slippers from Monika. She once gave me these slippers. In one picture I sit on Monika’s lap, in others I dance ballet. I think I’m about 11 years old in the pictures so the images are exactly 30 years old. My brother was 17-18 at that time. Unbelievable how fast time has passed.
BURIAL OF THE URN 2.10.
Yesterday I was dropping my brother’s urn to the rest of grave with one family member (from my spouce’s side). I bought two white roses from a florist next to the cemetery and picked up an urn from a small room in the chapel with beautiful flowers and a candle on the table.After a moment of silence, I lifted my brother into my arms. I carried my brother along the cemetery path and thought about our life together. I also wondered how last year my brother and I went to lay down my father’s urn grave. I could not have imagined that he himself would go after our father so soon.
We layed down the urn and flowers and spent a moment at the grave before leaving.
I didn’t take my mother with me because her Alzheimer’s has progressed and she clearly doesn’t understand what happened. She always understands this just the moment I mention it, and immediately forgets. The last time we talked, she clearly supposedly saw my brother somewhere near. It was hard to even talk about my brother’s death when it’s something I wouldn’t want to remind her of…
I have one of my main pillars gone. The one I grew up with and who taught me things. The one who was good for solving problems and always knew how to act. The one who served as an example and a guide for me. Feels pretty empty.
These were my sixth funeral in four and a half years so I hope there are no new funerals coming up in the near future.Recent years have brought far too much grief…I look forward to more light days to come.
I wish you the most beautiful and peaceful journey, dear big brother!
Another member of our family left abruptly on 7.8. only 2 years after father. I’m feeling so empty. This was something I could not expect at all!
I thought that Saturday would be just an ordinary day. I woke up normally in the morning, got up and started my morning like every morning: looking at the phone. I noticed that I had received both a call and a message. Both were from the same person, a friend of my brother. In the message, he said my brother was in poor condition and asked to be contacted quickly.
I called him immediately and this friend told me how he had tried to get my brother to the doctor because her lungs were blocked, she had a hard cough and she sounded weird. My brother had claimed to have already taken the corona test and then to the doctor again, but it had been revealed to be a lie. I heard a friend’s recording of my brother’s speech, and in it my brother really sounded strange: stuffy and otherwise weird. According to a friend, my brother had also been drinking a lot of alcohol recently, which was heard from the speech. I had lived in the belief that my brother was living with his girlfriend’s family, but I learned that he had lived alone in his home (my mother’s apartment) for the past few weeks. We agreed that I would call my brother and try to get him to the hospital -if he will answer to me-. Before we ended the call, my brother’s friend got a message from my brother’s girlfriend saying he had ordered an ambulance for my brother. I tried to call my brother after this call but he did not answer me.
It was only a week back we did talk with my brother. To my previous evening’s message he hadn’t responded, and I had been about to call him anyway. I was so confused.
Later, I called my brother’s girlfriend, and asked if she would know where my brother had been taken, but she didn’t know either. We concluded that he would be at Meilahti Hospital (HYKS -Helsinki university central hospital) or Haartman hospital. It turned out that he had been taken to Haartman Hospital but transferred to the Meilahti Intensive Care Unit.
The doctor said he was in a critical condition. His heart had once already stopped, but it had been restarted. His condition was treated as a pulmonary embolism although it was not actually known what was bothering him. I began to fear the worst though on the other hand I wanted to believe myself that my brother would survive. He has to survive, I thought… but he didn’t.
In the evening before eleven he took his last breath and left this world behind. It was time for him to get to his much-needed father.
All that is left of my family is my mother and me… Speaking of mother, the next day when I told her of my brother’s departure, she took this surprisingly calmly. It scared me immensely to tell her about this because the departure of your child is perhaps the worst thing that can happen. It is so wrong that a son dies before his mother. Luckily, my mother’s memory illness protected her, as she seemed to have forgotten about this almost immediately. Mom also asked if Grandma and Grandpa had already heard of this, even though they had both been in the grave for well over 20 years.
However, I am grateful that father was not experiencing the departure of his only son. I can only imagine how painful it would have been for him.
Again, a funeral is coming. They are already the sixth funeral in my family within four years. So many unpleasant things have happened in recent years that there must be enough of it for years to come or atleast I really do hope so.
Ihave now, for the first time, arranged the funeral myself because I am the only relative who can do it (when my mother is in a nursing home).Today the pastor called and we went through the occasion. The pastor also surprisingly announced that my brother’s girlfriend had asked if she could come before the blessing to say goodbye.Apparently she had claimed that she had not been invited to the funeral, although that was not the case. I have invited her. She clearly doesn’t want to come, and I think I know why… but I will tell you more about this later because it’s already actually entirely its own chapter…
For a long time my mind revolved around what really happened to my brother. He was so young, only 47 years old.About a week ago, I finally heard about the causes of the autopsy. The main cause was cirrhosis of the liver which was certainly due to excessive alcohol consumption of which I had no knowledge before on the day of his death when I heard of it from my brother’s friend.
The other two causes of death were: gastrointestinal bleeding, and myocardial hyperplasia. I was quite shocked to hear the reasons. Hard things only for a 47-year-old man. I did know that my brother had been diagnosed with depression last year, but for that he had received medications that he said would work well. Admittedly, I heard from a girlfriend that the effectiveness of the medication was apparently starting to wane, or else my brother stopped eating them. Personally, I suspect he used too much alcohol with medication that negated their effectiveness.
I have been so confused about all this because I myself did not really notice anything different in my brother. He always sounded normal on the phone. The only thing I saw afterwards was that he was a little tasting lately when we talked on the phone, but only a little. He covered his drinking well.
I have also heard from his friends that they were forbidden to tell me anything that does bother me now. I wish they had told me. Maybe I could have done something. On the other hand, his friends also tried to help, but they didn’t get him to improve his lifestyle either. It ultimately depends on yourself. Still, it feels bad that I didn’t notice anything, and I didn’t even understand trying to help.
My brother didn’t tell me about all his worries, not even that he was actually resigning from his girlfriend. It is also sad that he suffered all alone at home in his last moments. It feels so bad when I think about it. When I went to his apartment, there was blood in the pot and there was a container next to the bed that also had a little bloody vomiting. He’s been in really bad shape!
Well,I can only hope he’s in better place now. At least the suffering is over now …and I want to believe that they are happily together with dad and watching us from above the cloud.
”I am always a potential killer. It always lives in me.”
”When everything is executed, I call the police and I’ll tell them who I am.”
”My childhood is associated with massive trauma. I was that benevolent kind boy who never hit back. Bullying increased year by year and began to get harsher traits. I began to wonder how I would survive. Something happened inside me. When I survived, the experiences have largely turned into resources.”
Let’s start with the notification thing. If you have not noticed, the sidebars have a new page: ”recommended posts”. Check out the page (especially if you have not followed me for a long time and you would not read many of my posts). You will find a lot of reading.
”Movie of survival and bullied who won the mass murder’s mind”
I watched a great documentary film some time ago. Its main character is aFinnish school bullied man (Lauri) whose rage is growing with years of intense bullying and in his mind he begins to mature the idea of violent revenge. However, he seeks therapy, and learns ways to control his mind…
Lauri later became an academic researcher on the aggression and violent behavior of the human mind and a respected scientific expert. Lauri has created a theory of “white rage”. According to the theory, there are several people who are full of “white rage” as a result of the combination of school bullying and trauma experienced in childhood. Which can, in extreme cases, lead to school shootings and other acts of violence.
I myself have been bullied at school too, but fortunately on a much milder scale. It was mainly discrimination typical of girls. They left me out of their gangs. The boys could shout something. I remember, for example, one time in upper secondary school when a boy in my class asked, ”Did you forget your breasts home?”my breasts were not as developed like some other girls my age. Many teenage girls could be badly hurt by such a phrase. Fortunately, I never took the shouts too heavily.
However I luckily got my own chain cut off in high school. When it started, I was determined to come out of my shell and open up to people. I did that too, and I made a lot of new friends.However, there was one in my original group of friends who was sometimes mean to me. She did not receive support from others, but was not directly hindered by others, and did not cause this to stop. I eventually changed my circles of friends, when this bully did not change her behavior in spite of apologies. Life went on.
”Bully people are not people, they are just enemies”
In me, however, bullying did not arouse rage, but rather disappointment for humanity, and sorrow for why others take advantage of another’s weakness at such a poor level… but if the bullying had continued from elementary school to high school, and had been more physical, I don’t know what it might have done to me. Would I have lost faith in people? Certainly. Would I have seen my bullys as mere enemies. Possibly.
Years of constant bullying leaves its mark on each of us and after all, I don’t marvel at any of the faceless feelings of anger that the bully in the film had (-or others who have experienced similar bullying-). It is only human.
What makes me really sad is that we still have so few ways to stop these bullying chains in time and prevent these bullies from causing perhaps lifelong mental problems to any human being! These chains must be broken quickly before anything irreversible has time to happen. No one can cope with such a burden alone!
Teachers should keep a closer eye on what is happening around them and if someone is always alone, they should refer he/she to a psychologist. Maybe it would be good if every schoolchild should visit at least once or a couple of times of school psychologist. There, the student’s situation would then be mapped out, and his or her well-being determined. Some students could continue therapy if necessary. Even bullies would get help with their problems.
I also have a question for bullies: Why do you always bully the weakest, defenseless people? Those people who would certainly have a lot to give to others. Those who submit easily. Who turn their other cheeks without defending themselves. Those most sensitive people whose sensitivity you take away… Why do you want to do that? Why would anyone want to do that? Destroy another’s life, perhaps permanently.
As a guide for the bullied: First, leave the words of the bully to their own devices. Those tell more about her/him as a person than about you. Why give value to the sayings of someone whose life’s job is to push others down and who isn’t close to you? Second…
if the situation is unbearable for you, SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY!
Look what I found yesterday when I was on a walk… Yes, a bumblebee. I would almost love to pet those fluffy bugs but maybe better that I didn’t..
Bumblebees (Bombus) is a genus of flying insects belonging to the genus Apidae, oneof the bee families. They have a sturdy, hairy body, and thanks to their large size, they are easily distinguishable from other insects. Bumblebees eat nectar and act as important insect pollinators for many plants. Bumblebee species are found on all continents except Antarctica.
MAIJA THE BEE
”Once upon a time, a completely unknown country, there lived a bee, which has long been told.
And the name of this bee was Maija, small pretty bee Maija. Maija flies to the world, wonders to see it. Here is today our friend Maija, small, brisk friend Maija. Everyone loves Maija. Maija tell us your story”.
When I was younger, I (like presumably many other children / young people) mixed a bumblebee and a bee. I have blamed Maija-Mehiläinen for this: a children’s program that I watched as a child.
Maija is a bee, but still a plump ball, so it looks more like a bumble-bee. I have wondered why a children’s program gives such erroneous learning to children? Anyway, I loved the program, and I still like its theme melody.
Virus situation in Finland has again eased a bit but this battle is certainly not over yet! For a moment I thought that I was safe when I received my first vaccine! Now, however, it has become clear that somehave fallen ill despite the first vaccine, some have even been hospitalized.
Restrictions on outdoor activities were just removed in Finland, and yet it appeared that this Delta variant easily adheres to the outdoors too. Fortunately I have been myself (even paranoid) careful. I also have a mask again for outdoor use, which I was already almost giving up.
YOUTUBE CHANNEL BY KAISLA(For Finnish speakers)
Tänään ajattelin esitellä uuden lempitubettajani kanavan, joka sopiimainiosti tähän stressaavaan ajanjaksoon rauhoittamaan mieltä. Jos sinunkin mielesi on levoton, etkä saa unta, tai kykene rentoutumaan kiireen, ja vallitsevan stressaavan tilanteen keskellä, tästä voisi olla apua.
Ainakin itse olen huomannut, että etenkin Kaislan päiväkirjavideoista saa ajatukset muualle, ja rauhoittuu mukavasti hänen pehmeää ääntä, ja mielenkiintoisia tarinoita kuunnellessa. Tulee heti parempi olo. Kokeile Kaislan videoita stressiä lievittämään!
Summer is at its most beautiful and at its brightest in Finland. We have had a Midsummer celebration going on yesterday and today. Many are at their summer cottages or with relatives having sauna, grilling, swimming, and enjoying the summer…
but the corona situation still does not ease. Today I panicked again for a moment after reading the new corona statistics because they were pretty high again. Apparently, infections from those returning from Russia to the European Football Championships are now starting to show up in the statistics. It was known that these football tourists will bring the virus here from Russia, where the situation is very bad. However, I hoped that this would not affect very much as vaccinations are progressing (more than half of population vaccinated once).
In addition, the heat here in the north should help. Usually viruses do not live here in the summer, in warm weather. I have been wondering if this could be due to the intense UV radiation from the sun in the north which destroys viruses …but these new virus variants apparently are even more resistant to UV radiation.
The forrest near our home where we were walking yesterday.
Now we forget for a moment this virus situation and go back a bit in time … or actually a little more. For today my purpose was to show you excerpts from my life 30 years ago when I was 11 years old.
So let’s go back in time to summer 1991 … and Midsummer of the same year which I spent at the summer cottage with my family. There always had a lot of program and I also had two good friends there: Sini and Sanna-Kaisa. I played with Sini’s brother Janne too and with Sini’s cousin: Risto.
Life was very different at the time. There was no internet, and no social media. However, writing was already close to my heart although I was no master writer at the time. In the early 90’s it was written mainly in the diary and to pen pals. (I also writed poems and stories to the desk drawer). These texts in todays post are straight from my first diary.
(*marked words or names are explained below)
We went to the summer cottage and there was no traffic jam. *Eila visited us.
We went to the traditional Midsummers *Bridge dances. We danced and grilled sausages. We bought many lotteries as well but we didn’t win. Eila, Jussi, Janne, *Anja and Keijo visited us.
Eila’s family visited us. I played with Janne on a ”ghost train”. We pushed each other alternately in strollers and was pushed from some terrible point or not really pushed on (but so close for example the dike) that it feels like falling. That becomes a terrible and wonderful feeling at the same time. Then we gatherer dropped from the stroller. Anja and Keijo visited us and then later *Veikko visited us when I was gonna go to sauna to *Terttu with my mom. After the sauna Terttu came to visit. Then Sanna-Kaisa and Pälvi came to visit and then Eila’s family came again.
Many guests visited us.
Many guests visited.
Sini had been at the wedding party in Helsinki, Pasila and stayed in Helsinki for several days. She was supposed to come back on wednesday or friday but she came already today. I was very surprised. This is where it all started again. I went to her *grandmother. We played school, broomstick, hide and seek and ”Nurkkakurttu”. At our cottage we jumped the skipping rope and twist and plyed with Barbie-dolls. We went to Sini’s grandmother again to eat and then we played ”Penkkipersis” and broomstick, played with Polly Pocket and wrote on each other’s backs and hands and played ”viivahippaa” (line tag) and ”Saarta” (island).
Sini came to our cottage at 9.40 am. We went to her grandmother and to sauna to my grandpa. Then we went to swimming to ”Koipijärvi” and again to sauna to Sini’s grandma.
I went to swimming with Eila, Risto and Sini and we also ate packed lunch.
I went to swimming.
Sini had bought a lovely dog plush toy. It was gray and it had a blue dress and yellow bone. I also bought one. There was only one left. It was yellow. I liked the blue one more but the yellow one was also pretty so I bought it. Risto bought one dog plush toy too but it was different not so cute. We got the toys at a discount. Risto’s dogs original price was about 70mk now it was less, don’t know how much. Mine and Sini’s dogs original price was 85mk and now the price was 59mk and 50 pennys. We went to Sini’s grandma to play with those.
*Eila -Sini’s and Janne’s mom.
*Bridge dance: dance on the old bridge in our summer cottage village where used to have traditional Midsummer dances. In Finland it is traditionally organized that kind of dances in the summer but the speciality in this bridge dance was that it was held on the bridge on the flow. It’s very beautiful place. The name of the place is: ”The Flows bridge as Virran silta”.
*Anja and Keijo was our familyfriends and Anja was like second grandma to me. (My real second grandma I’ve never seen, cause she died when she gave birth to my dad.)
*Veikko and Terttu -our summer neighbors by then. (Veikko passed away at 90’s.)
*Sni’s grandmother lived almost next door to our cottage. Sini often stayed (part of the time) at Grandma’s when our family was at the cottage.
There were a few excerpts from my diary, June 1991.
The world of an 11-year-old girl, so simple… and that is why it’s so beautiful…
Tell me if you want me to continue this text and I will.
In recent days there has again been a slight increase in covid cases (atleast here in the Uusimaa region). It’s a little worrying. However, more than half of Finns have already received the first vaccine and about 13% have received their second vaccine. I would have expected (or hoped) cases to remain very low. On the other hand, the cases have apparently been raised by cases from Russia where football European Championship-competitions are currently underway. Many canceled their trips, but surely many have also left to follow the competitions despite the very bad virus situation in Russia.
Finland is also participating in the competitions for the first time in history. We won our first match against Denmark 1-0 certainly only because an important Danish player: christian eriksen had a heart attack during the match and the Danish game got mixed up. Eriksen’s heart surgery was successful but his career is sadly over now.
A sporting event is also my actual topic today. It’s not related to football but to the Finland Gymnaestrada held three years ago in Turku, whereby the corona was not yet known and we gymnasts could enjoy each other’s company without fear. So, I participated in the event with my team. These moments are nice to remember in these difficult times, even if it is wistful.
I remember a hard workout during that few-day event. There was little free time. I remember how tired I was, (I slept poorly in a hotel as usual in foreign places) but I was still happy. I remember good conversations with my roommate and a visit with her to the Turku Historic Cathedral. I remember how my already deceased father called me every day and asked me to visit him. Although in every call I said that I was on a gymnastic trip in Turku, (and so my parents lived in Helsinki just like me), because of Alzheimer’s he just didn’t remember it. Also I remember a good team spirit and sunburn in black, sweatable outfits. Especially the actual show day was so hot that I was close to fainting on the field, waiting for our turn to performance. The wait was really long and I didn’t have any money or debit card with me. I had left those with my other stuff but luckily one wonderful co-performer was so fair that she bought me water from the kiosk next door that I would not faint before performing. The performance went well in the end. I miss these moments most from gymnastics now that I haven’t gotten to practice for a while.