MY BROTHER IS GONE

Another member of our family left abruptly on 7.8. only 2 years after father. I’m feeling so empty. This was something I could not expect at all!

I thought that Saturday would be just an ordinary day. I woke up normally in the morning, got up and started my morning like every morning: looking at the phone. I noticed that I had received both a call and a message. Both were from the same person, a friend of my brother. In the message, he said my brother was in poor condition and asked to be contacted quickly.

I called him immediately and this friend told me how he had tried to get my brother to the doctor because her lungs were blocked, she had a hard cough and she sounded weird. My brother had claimed to have already taken the corona test and then to the doctor again, but it had been revealed to be a lie. I heard a friend’s recording of my brother’s speech, and in it my brother really sounded strange: stuffy and otherwise weird. According to a friend, my brother had also been drinking a lot of alcohol recently, which was heard from the speech. I had lived in the belief that my brother was living with his girlfriend’s family, but I learned that he had lived alone in his home (my mother’s apartment) for the past few weeks. We agreed that I would call my brother and try to get him to the hospital -if he will answer to me-. Before we ended the call, my brother’s friend got a message from my brother’s girlfriend saying he had ordered an ambulance for my brother. I tried to call my brother after this call but he did not answer me.

It was only a week back we did talk with my brother. To my previous evening’s message he hadn’t responded, and I had been about to call him anyway. I was so confused.

Later, I called my brother’s girlfriend, and asked if she would know where my brother had been taken, but she didn’t know either. We concluded that he would be at Meilahti Hospital (HYKS) or Haartman hospital. It turned out that he had been taken to Haartman Hospital but transferred to the Meilahti Intensive Care Unit.

The doctor said he was in a critical condition. His heart had once already stopped, but it had been restarted. His condition was treated as a pulmonary embolism although it was not actually known what was bothering him. I began to fear the worst though on the other hand I wanted to believe myself that my brother would survive. He has to survive, I thought… but he didn’t.

In the evening before eleven he took his last breath and left this world behind. It was time for him to get to his much-needed father.

It’s only mother and I left of my family… Speaking of mother, the next day when I told her of my brother’s departure, she took this surprisingly calmly. It scared me immensely to tell her about this because the departure of your child is perhaps the worst thing that can happen. It is so wrong that a son dies before his mother. Luckily, my mother’s memory illness protected her, as she seemed to have forgotten about this almost immediately. Mom also asked if Grandma and Grandpa had already heard of this, even though they had both been in the grave for well over 20 years.

However, I am grateful that father was not experiencing the departure of his only son. I can only imagine how painful it would have been for him.

Again, a funeral is coming. They are already the sixth funeral in my family within four years. So many unpleasant things have happened in recent years that there must be enough of it for years to come or atleast I really do hope so.

I have now, for the first time, arranged the funeral myself because I am the only relative who can do it (when my mother is in a nursing home). Today the pastor called and we went through the occasion. The pastor also surprisingly announced that my brother’s girlfriend had asked if she could come before the blessing to say goodbye. Apparently she had claimed that she had not been invited to the funeral, although that was not the case. I have invited her. She clearly doesn’t want to come, and I think I know why… but I will tell you more about this later because it’s already actually entirely its own chapter…

For a long time my mind revolved around what really happened to my brother. He was so young, only 47 years old. About a week ago, I finally heard about the causes of the autopsy. The main cause was cirrhosis of the liver which was certainly due to excessive alcohol consumption of which I had no knowledge before on the day of his death when I heard of it from my brother’s friend.

The other two causes of death were: gastrointestinal bleeding, and myocardial hyperplasia. I was quite shocked to hear the reasons. Hard things only for a 47-year-old man. I did know that my brother had been diagnosed with depression last year, but for that he had received medications that he said would work well. Admittedly, I heard from a girlfriend that the effectiveness of the medication was apparently starting to wane, or else my brother stopped eating them. Personally, I suspect he used too much alcohol with medication that negated their effectiveness.

I have been so confused about all this because I myself did not really notice anything different in my brother. He always sounded normal on the phone. The only thing I saw afterwards was that he was a little tasting lately when we talked on the phone, but only a little. He covered his drinking well.

I have also heard from his friends that they were forbidden to tell me anything that does bother me now. I wish they had told me. Maybe I could have done something. On the other hand, his friends also tried to help, but they didn’t get him to improve his lifestyle either. It ultimately depends on yourself. Still, it feels bad that I didn’t notice anything, and I didn’t even understand trying to help.

My brother didn’t tell me about all his worries, not even that he was actually resigning from his girlfriend. It is also sad that she suffered all alone at home in her last moments. It feels so bad when I think about it. When I went to his apartment, there was blood in the pot and there was a container next to the bed that also had a little bloody vomiting. He’s been in really bad shape!

Well, I can only hope he’s in better place now. At least the suffering is over now … and I want to believe that they are happily together with dad and watching us from above the cloud.

Forever my dear brother, rest in peace!

VALKOINEN RAIVO

covid -19 cases

Finland: 748 Uusimaa region: 384 Helsinki: 199

”…Out of reach, out of touch,

How you’ve learned to hate so much?

Out of reach, out of touch,

How you’ve learned to hate so much…”

”I am always a potential killer. It always lives in me.”

”When everything is executed, I call the police and I’ll tell them who I am.”

”My childhood is associated with massive trauma. I was that benevolent kind boy who never hit back. Bullying increased year by year and began to get harsher traits. I began to wonder how I would survive. Something happened inside me. When I survived, the experiences have largely turned into resources.”

WHITE RAGE

Let’s start with the notification thing. If you have not noticed, the sidebars have a new page: ”recommended posts. Check out the page (especially if you have not followed me for a long time and you would not read many of my posts). You will find a lot of reading.

Movie of survival and bullied who won the mass murder’s mind

I watched a great documentary film some time ago. Its main character is a Finnish school bullied man (Lauri) whose rage is growing with years of intense bullying and in his mind he begins to mature the idea of violent revenge. However, he seeks therapy, and learns ways to control his mind…

Lauri later became an academic researcher on the aggression and violent behavior of the human mind and a respected scientific expert. Lauri has created a theory of “white rage”. According to the theory, there are several people who are full of “white rage” as a result of the combination of school bullying and trauma experienced in childhood. Which can, in extreme cases, lead to school shootings and other acts of violence.

source: Wikipedia


I myself have been bullied at school too, but fortunately on a much milder scale. It was mainly discrimination typical of girls. They left me out of their gangs. The boys could shout something. I remember, for example, one time in upper secondary school when a boy in my class asked, ”Did you forget your breasts home?” my breasts were not as developed like some other girls my age. Many teenage girls could be badly hurt by such a phrase. Fortunately, I never took the shouts too heavily.

However I luckily got my own chain cut off in high school. When it started, I was determined to come out of my shell and open up to people. I did that too, and I made a lot of new friends. However, there was one in my original group of friends who was sometimes mean to me. She did not receive support from others, but was not directly hindered by others, and did not cause this to stop. I eventually changed my circles of friends, when this bully did not change her behavior in spite of apologies. Life went on.

Bully people are not people, they are just enemies

In me, however, bullying did not arouse rage, but rather disappointment for humanity, and sorrow for why others take advantage of another’s weakness at such a poor level… but if the bullying had continued from elementary school to high school, and had been more physical, I don’t know what it might have done to me. Would I have lost faith in people? Certainly. Would I have seen my bullys as mere enemies. Possibly.

Years of constant bullying leaves its mark on each of us and after all, I don’t marvel at any of the faceless feelings of anger that the bully in the film had (-or others who have experienced similar bullying-). It is only human.

What makes me really sad is that we still have so few ways to stop these bullying chains in time and prevent these bullies from causing perhaps lifelong mental problems to any human being! These chains must be broken quickly before anything irreversible has time to happen. No one can cope with such a burden alone!

Teachers should keep a closer eye on what is happening around them and if someone is always alone, they should refer he/she to a psychologist. Maybe it would be good if every schoolchild should visit at least once or a couple of times of school psychologist. There, the student’s situation would then be mapped out, and his or her well-being determined. Some students could continue therapy if necessary. Even bullies would get help with their problems.

I also have a question for bullies: Why do you always bully the weakest, defenseless people? Those people who would certainly have a lot to give to others. Those who submit easily. Who turn their other cheeks without defending themselves. Those most sensitive people whose sensitivity you take away… Why do you want to do that? Why would anyone want to do that? Destroy another’s life, perhaps permanently.

As a guide for the bullied: First, leave the words of the bully to their own devices. Those tell more about her/him as a person than about you. Why give value to the sayings of someone whose life’s job is to push others down and who isn’t close to you? Second

if the situation is unbearable for you, SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY!

*****************************************************************************

Have a nice weekend!

A (BUMBLE)BEE

Covid-19 cases

Finland: 302 Uusimaa region: 159 Helsinki: 100


Look what I found yesterday when I was on a walk… Yes, a bumblebee. I would almost love to pet those fluffy bugs but maybe better that I didn’t..

Bumblebees (Bombus) is a genus of flying insects belonging to the genus Apidae, one of the bee families. They have a sturdy, hairy body, and thanks to their large size, they are easily distinguishable from other insects. Bumblebees eat nectar and act as important insect pollinators for many plants. Bumblebee species are found on all continents except Antarctica.

Source: Wikipedia

MAIJA THE BEE

”Once upon a time, a completely unknown country, there lived a bee, which has long been told.

And the name of this bee was Maija, small pretty bee Maija. Maija flies to the world, wonders to see it. Here is today our friend Maija, small, brisk friend Maija. Everyone loves Maija. Maija tell us your story”.


When I was younger, I (like presumably many other children / young people) mixed a bumblebee and a bee. I have blamed Maija-Mehiläinen for this: a children’s program that I watched as a child.

Maija is a bee, but still a plump ball, so it looks more like a bumble-bee. I have wondered why a children’s program gives such erroneous learning to children? Anyway, I loved the program, and I still like its theme melody.

Have a nice day!

KAISLA ASMR

Covid -19 cases

Finland: 106 Uusimaa region: 45 Helsinki: 21

Virus situation in Finland has again eased a bit but this battle is certainly not over yet! For a moment I thought that I was safe when I received my first vaccine! Now, however, it has become clear that some have fallen ill despite the first vaccine, some have even been hospitalized.

Restrictions on outdoor activities were just removed in Finland, and yet it appeared that this Delta variant easily adheres to the outdoors too. Fortunately I have been myself (even paranoid) careful. I also have a mask again for outdoor use, which I was already almost giving up.

YOUTUBE CHANNEL BY KAISLA (For Finnish speakers)

Tänään ajattelin esitellä uuden lempitubettajani kanavan, joka sopii mainiosti tähän stressaavaan ajanjaksoon rauhoittamaan mieltä. Jos sinunkin mielesi on levoton, etkä saa unta, tai kykene rentoutumaan kiireen, ja vallitsevan stressaavan tilanteen keskellä, tästä voisi olla apua.

Ainakin itse olen huomannut, että etenkin Kaislan päiväkirjavideoista saa ajatukset muualle, ja rauhoittuu mukavasti hänen pehmeää ääntä, ja mielenkiintoisia tarinoita kuunnellessa. Tulee heti parempi olo. Kokeile Kaislan videoita stressiä lievittämään!

Hyvää yötä!/

Good night!

30 YEARS AGO

covid -19 cases

Finland: 125 Uusimaa region: 80 Helsinki: 47

Summer is at its most beautiful and at its brightest in Finland. We have had a Midsummer celebration going on yesterday and today. Many are at their summer cottages or with relatives having sauna, grilling, swimming, and enjoying the summer…

but the corona situation still does not ease. Today I panicked again for a moment after reading the new corona statistics because they were pretty high again. Apparently, infections from those returning from Russia to the European Football Championships are now starting to show up in the statistics. It was known that these football tourists will bring the virus here from Russia, where the situation is very bad. However, I hoped that this would not affect very much as vaccinations are progressing (more than half of population vaccinated once).

In addition, the heat here in the north should help. Usually viruses do not live here in the summer, in warm weather. I have been wondering if this could be due to the intense UV radiation from the sun in the north which destroys viruses … but these new virus variants apparently are even more resistant to UV radiation.

The forrest near our home where we were walking yesterday.

SUMMER 1991

Now we forget for a moment this virus situation and go back a bit in time … or actually a little more. For today my purpose was to show you excerpts from my life 30 years ago when I was 11 years old.

So let’s go back in time to summer 1991 … and Midsummer of the same year which I spent at the summer cottage with my family. There always had a lot of program and I also had two good friends there: Sini and Sanna-Kaisa. I played with Sini’s brother Janne too and with Sini’s cousin: Risto.

Life was very different at the time. There was no internet, and no social media. However, writing was already close to my heart although I was no master writer at the time. In the early 90’s it was written mainly in the diary and to pen pals. (I also writed poems and stories to the desk drawer). These texts in todays post are straight from my first diary.

(* marked words or names are explained below)

Thursday 20.6.1991

We went to the summer cottage and there was no traffic jam. *Eila visited us.

Friday 21.6.1991

We went to the traditional Midsummers *Bridge dances. We danced and grilled sausages. We bought many lotteries as well but we didn’t win. Eila, Jussi, Janne, *Anja and Keijo visited us.

Saturday 22.6.1991

Eila’s family visited us. I played with Janne on a ”ghost train”. We pushed each other alternately in strollers and was pushed from some terrible point or not really pushed on (but so close for example the dike) that it feels like falling. That becomes a terrible and wonderful feeling at the same time. Then we gatherer dropped from the stroller. Anja and Keijo visited us and then later *Veikko visited us when I was gonna go to sauna to *Terttu with my mom. After the sauna Terttu came to visit. Then Sanna-Kaisa and Pälvi came to visit and then Eila’s family came again.

Sunday 23.6.1991

Many guests visited us.

Monday 24.6.1991

Many guests visited.

Tuesday 25.6.1991

Sini had been at the wedding party in Helsinki, Pasila and stayed in Helsinki for several days. She was supposed to come back on wednesday or friday but she came already today. I was very surprised. This is where it all started again. I went to her *grandmother. We played school, broomstick, hide and seek and ”Nurkkakurttu”. At our cottage we jumped the skipping rope and twist and plyed with Barbie-dolls. We went to Sini’s grandmother again to eat and then we played ”Penkkipersis” and broomstick, played with Polly Pocket and wrote on each other’s backs and hands and played ”viivahippaa” (line tag) and ”Saarta” (island).

Wednesday 26.6.1991

Sini came to our cottage at 9.40 am. We went to her grandmother and to sauna to my grandpa. Then we went to swimming to ”Koipijärvi” and again to sauna to Sini’s grandma.

Thursday 27.6.1991

I went to swimming with Eila, Risto and Sini and we also ate packed lunch.

Friday 28.6.1991

I went to swimming.

Saturday 29.6.1991

Sini had bought a lovely dog plush toy. It was gray and it had a blue dress and yellow bone. I also bought one. There was only one left. It was yellow. I liked the blue one more but the yellow one was also pretty so I bought it. Risto bought one dog plush toy too but it was different not so cute. We got the toys at a discount. Risto’s dogs original price was about 70mk now it was less, don’t know how much. Mine and Sini’s dogs original price was 85mk and now the price was 59mk and 50 pennys. We went to Sini’s grandma to play with those.

Sunday 30.6.1991

Nothing special.


*Eila -Sini’s and Janne’s mom.

*Bridge dance: dance on the old bridge in our summer cottage village where used to have traditional Midsummer dances. In Finland it is traditionally organized that kind of dances in the summer but the speciality in this bridge dance was that it was held on the bridge on the flow. It’s very beautiful place. The name of the place is: ”The Flows bridge as Virran silta”.

*Anja and Keijo was our familyfriends and Anja was like second grandma to me. (My real second grandma I’ve never seen, cause she died when she gave birth to my dad.)

*Veikko and Terttu -our summer neighbors by then. (Veikko passed away at 90’s.)

*Sni’s grandmother lived almost next door to our cottage. Sini often stayed (part of the time) at Grandma’s when our family was at the cottage.

There were a few excerpts from my diary, June 1991.

The world of an 11-year-old girl, so simple… and that is why it’s so beautiful…

Tell me if you want me to continue this text and I will.

Hopefully your midsummer was nice!

~Three years ago~                                       *FINLAND GYMNAESTRADA JUNE 2018*

Covid -19 cases today

Finland: 73 Uusimaa region: 49 Helsinki: 21

In recent days there has again been a slight increase in covid cases (atleast here in the Uusimaa region). It’s a little worrying. However, more than half of Finns have already received the first vaccine and about 13% have received their second vaccine. I would have expected (or hoped) cases to remain very low. On the other hand, the cases have apparently been raised by cases from Russia where football European Championship-competitions are currently underway. Many canceled their trips, but surely many have also left to follow the competitions despite the very bad virus situation in Russia.

Finland is also participating in the competitions for the first time in history. We won our first match against Denmark 1-0 certainly only because an important Danish player: christian eriksen had a heart attack during the match and the Danish game got mixed up. Eriksen’s heart surgery was successful but his career is sadly over now.

FINLAND GYMNAESTRADA

A sporting event is also my actual topic today. It’s not related to football but to the Finland Gymnaestrada held three years ago in Turku, whereby the corona was not yet known and we gymnasts could enjoy each other’s company without fear. So, I participated in the event with my team. These moments are nice to remember in these difficult times, even if it is wistful.

I remember a hard workout during that few-day event. There was little free time. I remember how tired I was, (I slept poorly in a hotel as usual in foreign places) but I was still happy. I remember good conversations with my roommate and a visit with her to the Turku Historic Cathedral. I remember how my already deceased father called me every day and asked me to visit him. Although in every call I said that I was on a gymnastic trip in Turku, (and so my parents lived in Helsinki just like me), because of Alzheimer’s he just didn’t remember it. Also I remember a good team spirit and sunburn in black, sweatable outfits. Especially the actual show day was so hot that I was close to fainting on the field, waiting for our turn to performance. The wait was really long and I didn’t have any money or debit card with me. I had left those with my other stuff but luckily one wonderful co-performer was so fair that she bought me water from the kiosk next door that I would not faint before performing. The performance went well in the end. I miss these moments most from gymnastics now that I haven’t gotten to practice for a while.

”Elämän voima” (the power of life). This is the court show where I participated.

Here’s links to my original posts of this topic:

TURKU SG 2018 *SATURDAY-SUNDAY*

Have a nice weekend!

I GOT MY VACCINATION

https://lyricstranslate.com/en/valot-pimeyksien-reunoilla-lights-verges-darkness.html

https://lyricstranslate.com/en/vapaa-free.html

Finally I will be free! On monday morning me and my spouce got our first vaccinations. I’m so happy of that!

Soon I can start living a more normal life again without constant fear which was already almost destroying me. Of course I can’t fully relax yet but I am much closer to that moment. Anyway, the situation here in Finland has made it easier with the summer and vaccinations. Today, there were only 6 new cases in Helsinki. I don’t remember when was the last time virus counts were equally small.

Monday’s vaccination day was exciting. We had been afraid all the time that there would be a lot of people in the place and that someone there would infect corona to us. We arrived on the ride of our friend. There was some queue on the outside and even more people inside. The vaccination itself in a small booth was rapid but after that each was directed to wait 15 minutes if you happen to get an allergic reaction. I thought my spouse is in the same hall where I was following the others but he was not visible. Someone in the hall coughed loudly all the time, even though if you have flu symptoms you should not even be vaccinated. Luckily I soon saw my spouse passing by in the hallway, outside the hall I was sitting. I ran after him and fortunately got out of the hall where the coughing woman was. There had been someone next to my spouse too who was constantly coughing and my spouse changed place. I heard the coughing voice still in the hallway where we were but there was a screen in between. Well maybe they had allergies or tobacco cough, don’t know about it…

Photos on our yard. It’s so beautiful in summer!

________________________________________________________________________________

After a while we began to feel a little bit weak. For a moment we feared it was a vaccine, that we had an allergic reaction but it went away as soon as it came. Probably it was only due to the heat cause the day was really hot. About a quarter later we set off for a walk home. The distance was almost four km (over 2mi). We would have taken the city bikes from a nearby bike station but for some reason we didn’t get the bikes to work. The bike screens stayed off mode and the push buttons required for the code did not work. So we walked all the way home (because we don’t want to use the public transport). At least we got a decent walk. The weather was good too, so it was quite nice to walk although the heat was a little exhausting.

At home, I noticed muscle pain in my left hand (vaccination hand). The pain was similar as after training but the next morning that pain was almost gone. Neither has had any other symptoms. Well, on Monday night, my head ached, but it was surely due to the thunder that started then. Thunder is usually caused by headaches, or maybe I just drink too little…

I can hardly wait for the second vaccine in August although, on the other hand, it is exciting because I have heard that the second Pfizer vaccine can cause worse symptoms than the first. Well, let’s see…

Now I try to start enjoying summer more. I hope you all can enjoy it too, wherever you are!

SPRING EVENING

A beautiful May evening at home corners

I went for an evening walk last weekend. It was beautiful weather, and I wanted to smell the onset of summer. I didn’t even really remember what it feels like to breathe freely; decent fresh spring air. I have been wearing a mask for so long anywhere I go, although sometimes I have momentarily opened my mask from another loop, in a safe place. So I did now too when I was coming back home. I stopped to admire the beautiful sky. No one was nearby. I rubbed handsanitizer to my hands and opened my mask from the other side and the feeling was indescribably wonderful, now that all the scents of summer were already in the air. It was a really euphoric experience. I closed my eyes for a moment and enjoyed. The birds sang their songs. I could never have imagined that fresh air alone could feel so wonderful. Now that too is no longer taken for granted.

In reality, I was awakened by the ripple of conversation behind me. Some people were clearly coming my way. I quickly put my mask back on and left to home. People had appeared across the street too where there would have been another possible route home, so I straightened across the lawn, over a small fence to the yard area so as not to collide with anyone. (Today, I am even more afraid to bypass people because of the Indian virus variant and who knows when a new, even more contagious virus variant will come again)!

These little soothing moments are more important now than ever!

I just wish it will become more warmer weather (which would certainly also reduce the number of infections)…and…

I also wish everyone a wonderful and safe start to the summer!

ESC 2021 RESULTS

Ok, the game is over and we have new winner of Eurovision Song Contest 2021 -after two years break-. The winner is Italy’s glam rock band: Måneskin.
Finland’s ranking was sixth. It’s our second best result in proportion to the number of participants, so this Contest went well! (Today, there are many more participating countries than before).

Neither of the songs were my personal favorites, but at least for the Finnish song I could expect audience voices. Rock always has its own fan base, and the band (Blind Channel) is quite popular abroad (more popular than in Finland) and as I mentioned yesterday the song (chorus) is really catchy. We got well votes from the audience but we also got moderate points from the jury.

Finland’s first and so far the only win in ESC history was in 2006.

_______________________________________________________________________________

My personal favorites were: Bulgaria, France, Austria (eliminated in the semifinals), Georgia (eliminated in the semifinals)… and also pretty nice catchy song was in Greece and in Cyprus (which sounded like Lady Gaga. Also singer looked a little bit like her.) Anyhow I didn’t like the idea of this song. I don’t know who would like to give herself to devil… 😱 Not very good message!

From the link below you can find the total results and listen all songs.

https://eurovisionworld.com/eurovision/2021

Congratulations on a good place, Blind Channel!

ESC 2021

In an hour, the exciting Eurovision final begins. After a year break, it has been nice to watch the classic European Song Contest again.

Finland made its way from Thursday’s semi-final to tonight’s finals. Since then this contagious earworm has been playing in my head. It is already time for the Finlands previous and only historical victory (2006), when Lord’s catchy rock song (”Hard Rock Hallelujah”) took us to victory, so I think it would be our turn to win again…(By the way, Lordi will perform in tonight’s final).

However, there are many really good songs in the competition, so it may be that this slightly Lord-like rock song isn’t going through this time

We have this saying in Finland after winning something: ”see you at the market place!” but this time if we really will win, pleace DON’T MEET IN THE MARKET, right! (Because of the Corona).